TPA Waynesboro Substation

Random Acts of Time Policing

In which our heroes do odd things to save the timestream

Mission Report Filed by: Senior Field Agent Edmond Gates

Experienced TPA operatives in the tri-state area were actively involved in a “long-shot” mission, an operation to effect long term changes to the timestream through indirect action. Due to the volitile nature of such activities, I had all cells in the region standing by for ease of activation. To this end, I encouraged Agents Frank Donohoe and William Poe to get together for an informal night of solicialization. The agents opted for a Gray’s Anatomy marathon at Poe’s house.

A heated “McSteamy v. McDreamy” debate was interrupted by the delivery of an unordered pizza. Agent Poe reluctantly agreed to pay the $40 the pizza guy demanded for the extra-large supreme pie with extra anchovies, but did not tip him. (Please note, pizza delivery was authorized by TPA Purchase Order #108372. The local Pizzarriba franchishee should be paid on presentation of their invoice as the delivery man pocketed Poe’s payment.)

The agents noticed the TPA contact number which was printed inside of the pizza box and phoned the number. They were ordered to clear their calendars for the next several days as they were to be part of the “clean up” efforts surrounding the ongoing longshot mission. Their first assignment was to report to the GameStop in the Valley Mall, Hagerstown, MD at 6:15pm. They were also told to bring a book. (Donohoe chose Wuthering Heights and Poe The Twilight Saga: Abridged.)

Donohoe and Poe arrived at the mall with plenty of time to spare. Poe decided to check in at the TPA Substation while Donohoe went to grab a pizza at the Sbaro’s in the Food Court. While at the Substation, Poe requesitioned and was issued a Beretta M92F with rubber bullets. Poe confirmed that he and Donohoe were following their orders properly. While waiting for his pizza, Donohoe noticed a confrontation between Twenty-One and Stitches, rival leaders of local street gangs. The confrontation ended without violence as soon as Stitches realized his Slicers were badly outnumbered by Twenty-One’s Blackjacks. Afterwards, Agent Donohoe offered Twenty-One a slice of pizza and got a quick overview of the major street gangs of the region.

Donohoe and Poe walked into the GameStop and were handed a box which looked like a copy of a yet to be released video game. A smartphone inside the box started ringing and vibrating as soon as the agents received it. The phone had received a text message telling them to wait until the mall closed when they would receive further instructions. The agents figured they had two and a half hours before closing time, so they watched a movie. After the movie, they reported to a service corridor by Macy’s and found two laundry lists on a bulletin board and instructions on their smartphone instructing them to form two teams. Agent Poe formed Team One and Agent Donohoe was Team Two. Their instructions were as follows:

Team One: Team Two:
Ten minutes after lights out, go to the department store service alley Ten minutes after lights out, enter The Haughty Damsel through the unlocked sided door
You will find uniforms and KnightSticks Steal the necklace worth $5973
Enter Stepping Out by using the KnightStick Taser to short out the alarm and melt the locks on the security gate Steal the most expensive cologne from the perfume counter
Steal everything from the Rolex case Steal something nice for each of your mothers
Talk down or defeat mall security when they arrive Delete video and inventory records from the server room (instructions will be provided)
Steal everything you can carry by hand Cover your tracks and get away
Wait for the police. Get arrested. Go to jail.

Both teams performed the assigned missions admirably. (Agent Donohoe snagged a pair of shoes for his mom.) Agent Donohoe was instructed to meet Agent Poe at the local jail in time for his release. After they left the jail (laden with loot from the mall), Donohoe and Poe were instructed to stand by for further instructions.

A good nights sleep and several Gray’s Anatomy episodes later, the agents were called on the smartphone. They were informed that a TPA Agent had lost his laundry list. The laundry list had fallen into the hands of a small time hoodlum named Jack Stab. Stab intended to complete the objectives on the laundry list. (After all, a teenager in baggy pants and a hoody is as good as any timechump.) Agents Donohoe and Poe were told to retrieve the laundry list without seriously injuring Stab or his followers or attracting outside interference. Once they had the laundry list they were to complete any objectives on the list. They were informed that Stab was headed to the local animal shelter and they had to move quickly to intercept him.

Donohoe and Poe ably ambushed Stab and his crew and retrieved the laundry list. Agent Donohoe prevented the punks from further interference with the mission by tying them to the bumper of an animal control vehicle in the pound’s parking lot. The mission objectives were:

  • Avoid communists
  • Don’t catch fire
  • Modify the physical and digital records for cages 12, 17, 24, and 39, changing the capture date to two weeks ago
  • Escape with the nuclear launch codes
  • Lose a fight with Connor McDunn

They accomplished the first three objectives, but it appears that the nuclear launch codes had already been e-mailed to HARM operatives. Since no other humans were in the animal shelter, and no dog or cat had been named “Connor McDunn” by the shelter employees, the agents decided to look for Connor at the nearby O’Riley’s Irish Pub.

Daisy’s data analysis indicated a very low probablity of two experienced TPA agents losing a fight to McDunn; thus, Douglas W. was activated as a temporary agent. Agent W. took to his new duties with gusto, smashing both Donohoe and Poe over the head with empty beer bottles. After putting up a convincing show, Donohoe and Poe took less convincing dives. Fortunately, it didn’t take much to convince McDunn that he’d actually kicked ass for once in his life. After McDunn left the pub, O’Riley offered all three TPA agents a complimentary round before closing up.

All three agents went to Poe’s house for further instructions and yet more Gray’s Anatomy. They were just settling in for more medical drama when they heard a fleet of badly tuned sub-compact pizza delivery cars approaching. Billy Chopman was leading a small army of pizza dudes in a personal war of vengence against “those damned timecops who killed my mom”. None of the agents could remember killing any mothers, so they defended themselves against their assailants. Donohoe dispatched one pizza guy by Tasing the puddle of water he was standing in. Douglas knocked out Chopman by shooting the kitchen ceiling fan he was standing under.

All three agents performed admirably during this mission. No additional pay will be authorized as they should be able to move the property they acquired at the mall through various street contacts.

Quote of the Mission!
Those doctors sure do have alot of sex.
—Name withheld for security purposes



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