The agents were to complete the following objectives:
- Contain the Situation
- The tools are under the seat
- Spill Pete’s beer
Pay: $4,000 upon completion of objectives with possible bonus.
- 1 Agent’s Uniform (in checked baggage)
- 1 KnightStick
- 1 KnightStick Instruction Manual (in checked baggage)
- Specially chosen equipment depending on agent’s capacity to use it
Mission Report Filed by: Senior Field Agent Edmond Gates
As projected by Daisy, radical members of the Holy Abkhazian Revolutionary Movement hijacked TransOcean Air Flight 101 enroute from Oahu to Washinton Dulles Airport. Once I had received confirmation of the hijacking from the FAA, I deputized Frank Donohoe, Ryan O’Roorke, and William Poe as Temporary Agents by radio per agency protocol.
The new agents took a few minutes to familiarize themselves with their responsibilities (and gear) before taking action. They noticed four hijackers standing in the first two rows of the coach section of the cabin and heard the hijackers’ leader ranting over the airliner’s PA system. They used their KnightSticks to quickly subdue the hijackers in coach without causing serious injury to themselves or any of their fellow passengers. During the fight, the agents heard the leader continue to declaim over the loudspeakers, firing an automatic weapon to punctuate his speach. They also noticed that the hijackers were firing rubber bullets.
They then entered the galley and noticed Vladislav standing in the narrow bulkhead between the first class cabin and cockpit. The sweaty, football-shaped Abkhazian was holding an Uzi in one hand and the microphone for the PA system in the other. In front of him stood a frightened little girl. The girl was holding open a three-ring binder full of notes that Vladislav was reading his rants from.
Agent O’Roorke attempted to sneak up on the hijacker, but was noticed before he got halfway to his target. Vladislav fired a warning shot and O’Roorke hastened back to the galley. Agent Poe poured a cup of coffee as his “secret weapon” and the agents rushed Vladislav. Somehow, Agent Poe persuaded the little girl to punch Vladislav in the groin before they reached him. The girl’s attack was ineffectual, but Vladislav became enraged because she dropped his precious binder to free her hands. He pointed his Uzi at the child and would have shot her at point blank range, but luckily, his gun jammed. The agents then swarmed Vladislav, permitting his human shield to escape, and fought him until he lost conciousness.
On entering the cockpit, the agents found the pilots unconcious and the remaining hijacker quickly surrendered. The hijackers had jury rigged the 777’s instrumentation so it could only navigate to and make radio contact with an isolated airstrip controlled by their co-conspirators. After much ado about finding the toolkit we had placed under the pilot’s seat (a perfectly good seatback gave it’s all to the cause) and spilling white wine on the hijackers’ black box, Agent O’Roorke was able to repair the radio and navigation systems.
The agents established radio contact with Pete Blanc, the airtraffic controller for the nearest airport. Blanc was uncooperative until he was persuaded by Agent O’Roorke’s prolific stream of verbal abuse. With Blanc’s assistance, O’Roorke ably landed the huge airliner on a tiny airstrip.
After making sure the passengers were safely deplaining, the agents went to the control tower. Pete Blanc rudely insisted that they thank him for his heroism. Agent Donohoe made a point of shaking Blanc’s hand and “accidently” spilling several of the beers the slovenly drunk had sitting on his control console. The console spewed sparks and smoke and the agents left.
Section Director Hashimoto and I met the agents on the airport tarmac. I drove them home and debriefed them. For completing all mission objectives, I have authorized payment of $4,000 to all agents. Furthermore, Agents Donohoe and O’Roorke received $2,000 bonuses for completing their mission with no loss of life, limited personal injury, and minimal property damage. Agent Poe only got a $1,000 bonus because using little girls as assault troops is not in the best interest of the agency. All agents have been promoted to Provisional Agent status and are to go about their business while waiting for future assignments.
Quote of the Mission!
I didn’t kill two eight year-old girls today. Today’s a good day.